I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am midnight drunk by noon
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
