I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
