I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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