If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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