My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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