my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
