Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
