forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
