I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
