the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
