got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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