She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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