i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Drunk is a universal language darling
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
