2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
