Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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