I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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