after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
