I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
