This is not my ceiling
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
