omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
