everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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