You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
