if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
