Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
