the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
