i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
