Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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