Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
