My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
