there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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