Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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