I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize