My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
