Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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