I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she looked like the before picture.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
