There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
