Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
