Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
