No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
