I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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