she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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