God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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