I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
