Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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