Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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