I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
