I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
