Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
