i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
