Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize