Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize