I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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