I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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