im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she peed on how many people?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
