She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
