on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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