You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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