Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
