Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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