At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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