Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
