He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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