i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
