Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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