sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She bit a glass in half.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
