She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
