I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
