I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
