I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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